TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT : THE DEVIL himself is in the news today, speaking about how he managed to get his soul back from Satan.
Goggle eyed lord of darkness, Jeremy Hunt, is clearly pleased as punch over having his soul returned by Beelzebub late last night.
“The fiend left Jeremy’s soul in a greasy, brown paper bag on the doorstep of Mr Hunt’s home,” an aide to Lucifer told LCD Views, “he didn’t want to risk having to look into the serpent’s eyes. Bag it. Drop it. Run.”
But why give back something he’d paid for with no possibility of recouping the cost?
“It’s worthless. Oh, and it was the smell. It was pretty overwhelming. Like a barrel of dead fish crossed with a complete idiot soaked in the sweat of an old pair of running shoes. It was only going to get worse over eternity. So a decision was taken to remove it. Write off the loss and move on.”
A cock-a-hoop Mr Hunt (holding the small bag between thumb and forefinger) told reporters:
“It’s pretty funny. I get to continue being myself and enjoying the sense of entitlement, I mean achievement, that comes from getting away with forgetting to register seven luxury flats on member’s interests, while plotting to further remove any sense of joy from mere mortals. Quite amazing really. I never expected, when agreeing my Faustian pact as a young man, that the devil would renege on the deal and I’d get to keep the spoils regardless. It just shows how clever I am. Why I should be prime minister.”
What exactly he plans to do with his soul now that it is returned isn’t yet clear.
“I’ll probably put it in the basement with my conscience,” Mr Hunt shrugged, “and all the other possessions that I’ve no use for.”