BORIS THE BUILDER : Great news today with the promise by everyone’s favourite cartoon politician, Boris Johnson, that he is going to build a wall in the English Channel, and better yet…
“Brussels is going to pay for it!” Boris told a packed press hall of Tory media sycophants and sweaty, middle aged male MPs.
“How Brussels will pay for it, you may ask?” Boris continued, “it will be as easy as um, as easy as ah, picking up a blonde bit on the side and hiding her from your wife! Ha!”
Additional to the infidelity will be the £39bn owing to Brussels under the terms of the Withdrawal Agreement, negotiated by outgoing Prime Minister Theresa May, and her team. You know, that little bit about meeting our agreed international obligations? Yeah, we don’t do that now.
“I will bang on and bang on about the £39bn because I expect common, hard working, tabloid reading English folk to see a large number and go waaaaaaaa!” Boris illuminated, “much like the false £350m claim on my bus! It’s a big number isn’t it? You plebs! Waaaahaaaa!”
Just don’t ever put it in the context of national budgets. And defiantly don’t mention what you get back for it.
As to when the building of the wall in the English Channel will begin? Boris was ready for that.
“The moment after I become Prime Minister I will be off to Brussels to tell Junker to go whistle!” Boris continued, “well, that will be after I visit Rupert Murdoch in his dark tower in New York to get the traditional blessing for a new premiership. Actually, that will be second after I go and see Arlene Foster and promise to pay her whatever she needs to continue the hilariously named confidence and supply agreement. As easy as one, two, three!”
Materials needed for the wall are already to hand, as England is just heaving with untapped mines of lego blocks.
“It’ll be done in a jiffy! Just like all my building plans!”
People will get their pockets filled with public money and the outcome isn’t important because filling private pockets with public money is the only modern Conservative policy!
“No island is a man, but with a wall all around it the UK can be Donald Trump’s personal island colony! Paaaaazaaaaaa!”
If Boris builds it, no one will come, which is just the way his Brexit backing supporters seem to want it…