HANDS UP : The gaggle of confirmed lunatics struggling to replace Theresa May as leader of the Tories have been praised today by a nation grateful for moral guidance.
”They’re all pledging to fix a country they broke systemically, and completely avoidably, over nearly a decade,” said Mr Kno One, “that shows a degree of personal insight and maturity they need to fix the country they broke.”
Which one will ultimately hold the cellotape and superglue isn’t clear until late July, although one of the biggest wreckers is clearly favourite.
”Of course Boris can fix it,” said Mrs No One-either, “he’s a complete wrecking ball. His total disregard for integrity, truth, gravity of office and the common good has helped smashed the country to its knees. Of course he knows how to do it. He’ll just have to run himself in reverse.”
But he’s not alone in having the know how required.
“If you want to stop fires you get an arsonist,” shrugged Ms No Nope, “if you’re worried about theft of domestic pets you get a cat burglar. It’s pretty obvious. Who can fix the vicious welfare system? Esther McVey! She’s an expert, especially in the vicious part. What about the dumbing down of public debate? Angela Leadsom! Worried about the privatisation of the NHS? Get in the health secretary with curious donations from curious origins. Don’t like the hostile environment? Sajid is your man, he’ll tell you the story of his childhood and then carry on May’s legacy. They’ve all got the talents.”
LCD Views would like to commend the contenders for the maturity they’re displaying recognising the UK is in a terrible pickle, and seeing as how they’re all holding bottles of vinegar, we fully trust them to fix it.
Anyone calling for a general election in the hope of shaking things up and perhaps removing some of the dullards and sociopaths is not giving them a chance. When it comes to know how on Broken Britain, we’ve already got the best.