SMASHING IT : Tory hopeful Michael Gove appears to have blown his one opportunity to seem relatable today after saying he used cocaine in his early 30’s and he regrets it.
“He also said when he used cocaine he didn’t inhale,” our recreational drug abuser comments, “what the f c u k is that all about?”
The borrowing of Bill Clinton’s famous phrase regarding mary jane was presumably done to make Gove appear historically resonant as well as relatable, but it’s just backfired.
“It’s bollocks. Any reformed recreational drug user is deeply sentimental for the days when they got high,” our correspondent continues, “so Gove not only blows it by seeming to lie when saying he regrets the drug use, but then says he didn’t inhale? Well how did he use the powder then? Just mash it into his gums all night long? He can’t have injected because he’d be dead. I’m just confused now. Chop me up a line.”
And this is not likely to be the end of the story as the press attempts to get more details on Michael ‘masher’ Gove’s wild days.
“Did he use a rolled up American note like a purist? Or a British twenty? I guess given his personal wealth he may have used a bullseye of course. Then spent hours desperately licking it to get the last residues of the drug off? Although it’s hard to imagine him ever running out of supply? Maybe he’s still high? That would explain a lot.”
Whatever the truth behind Michael ‘nose garbage’ Gove’s drug use it’s clear from his statements to the press today that even back then, when faced with a gram of latin American produce, Michael Gove had had enough of experts.