Chris Grayling is the latest minister to come clean about dirty deeds. He admits to attempting to snort coke, but couldn’t do it because of the high carbon dioxide content.
“I usually just drink it,” confessed Grayling. “But then Govey let on that he likes snorting it, so I thought I would give it a go!”
But that didn’t work out too well either.
“I sat there with my drink, snorting,” said Grayling. “But making myself laugh down my nose did nothing for me. I must say though, I did produce some impressive bogies!”
Eventually someone explained to him that snorting coke meant breathing it in through a rolled up banknote.
“Well, I thought, my plastic drinking straw is much the same thing,” Grayling continued. “So I did it! Then sneezed everywhere, because the bubbles got up my nose. I told Govey, I can’t see what all the fuss is about.”
But Gove isn’t the only government minister with a drug habit.
“Rory Stewart likes a bit of opium,” reveals Grayling. “No wonder he always smells so nice. He picked up the habit from Jacob Rees-Mogg, and Jacob admits to occasionally sampling laudanum with Samuel Taylor Coleridge.”
Then there are several cannabis users.
“Dominic Raab likes to smoke joints,” said Grayling. “So I tried it. I rolled my joint first, why you do that I still have no idea, then smoked it. I now have a large supply of smoked gammon. It’s delicious, but I still can’t see the attraction.”
Grayling also reveals that there is a small group that enjoys LSD.
“The old fashioned ones, who want a return to the pre-decimal currency,” said Grayling. “They claim that unicorns are not only real, but they have seen them and ridden on them. Well, I got some farthings and florins, but no unicorns appeared. It’s a mystery, and nobody will tell me what’s going on!”
And he departed, to the strains of Lucy in the Sky with David Davis.