National Service is the best cure for delinquent kids, says ‘Tory Rory’ Stewart. Stewart, the wannabe PM, hopes that cadets will progress into the EU army.
“You must understand that this is strictly non-military,” explained Tory Rory, rolling a special ciggie. “Young people will be trained to march, obey orders and kill foreigners, but in a completely non-military way.”
That sounds intriguing. So who will be conducting this novel non-military National Service?
“The Army, of course,” Tory Rory replied, taking a deep drag. “The Army will soon be running everything, after whoever beats me in this leadership race crashes us out of the EU. The Army is the solution to all domestic emergencies!”
Suddenly it makes perfect sense.
“The Army will take over from the failing police service,” he continued, blowing smoke rings. “It will run hospitals, battlefield style, and will completely take over education. A bit of old-fashioned discipline is what the kids of today need.”
And presumably National Service will replace sixth-form colleges?
“Exactly. It will be the nation’s finishing school,” he said, the opium really kicking in now. “Career opportunities are many, and I’m sure a lot will wish to progress into the EU army.”
Difficult, if we have crashed out of the EU.
“What? Nobody in their right mind would do that!” exclaimed Tory Rory, completely addled now. “The EU brings stability, prosperity and growth, and the longest peace Europe has ever known!”
He paused, apparently shocked by what had just come out of his own mouth.
“Yeah, but Brexit, yeah,” he drawled. “Got to Brexit come Hell or high water. Kind of appropriate given this climate change lark, eh?”
Tory Rory paused, seemingly deep in thought. He looked down at the remains of his ciggie.
“Christ, this is good shit,” he said finally.
Stewart retired to sit on a cactus and ponder his next move. Determined to blow his own trumpet, and his chances of ever progressing further, he rolled another ciggie to enable him to cope with his cognitive dissonance.
The drugs don’t work. Just say no, kids.