GOOD FENCES MAKE GOOD NEIGHBOURS : Home Office Minister Sajid Javid has taken another great stride towards 10 Downing Street today by taking a pop at the Scots.
“It’ll play really well to the Tory membership, including the one that lives in Scotland,” Mr Jobby told LCD Views, “I’m personally very pleased with today’s tweet. When Sajid asked me to be a campaign adviser I wasn’t aware quite how hard we’d punch out at the colonials. I’m really enjoying it. I’m drafting a tweet insulting Nicola Sturgeon’s mate Varadkar next. This is to ensure he also knows who he’s dealing with when Sajid also re-negotiates the Irish backstop. And don’t get me started on the Welsh!”
Why not?
”We don’t know any of their names.”
Negotiations over borders and backstops promise to feature highly in any Javid premiership, given how fast the rush to independence for the various nations of the U.K. is likely to be. And that’s regardless of who is installed as the next Tory PM.
But what would Mr Javid do in the highly unlikely event of Scottish independence?
”That’s just not up for discussion. As the future prime minister revealed in his tweet to Scotland today, the Scots know the benefit from English rule. They won’t want to change the habits of centuries. They voted in 2014 to stay in the union, largely on the basis of EU membership, but no one cares about that anymore. We’re all Brexiters now. Even the Scottish! Because they’re ruled wisely by the English.”
Play along though, what if? Purely hypothetically?
”Firstly, and this is confidential. If Scotland tries to hold another independence referendum Sajid is likely to nuke Nicola Sturgeon.”
Actually use Trident?
”Yes. We will deal with the SNP once and for all! Mwahahaha!”
But what if that fails to annihilate the Scottish independence drive?
”Oh, then Mr Javid promises a free and frictionless border with Scotland. Dealing with the Scots is really very simple. Just wait to see what Mr Javid tweets on it once he becomes PM. He’s just getting warmed up.”