Shock news emerged this morning as the new frontrunner in the Tory leadership race is Margaret Thatcher. Her ghost has vowed to defeat all the other insubstantial phantoms, wraiths and spirits heading towards the Brexit trap door like so many zombies.
“I must return to haunt my successors,” wailed the ghost. “There is no alternative!”
Thatcher’s ghost is expected to win by one of her landslide majorities. She will then clear out all the dead wood from the front bench. “We may have to govern on our own,” she declared.
The fact that Thatcher is actually dead is a great advantage. It should prove very useful when dealing with the skeletons in the closet.
Thatcher’s ghost declared that she had the perfect solution to Brexit. “It’s an elephant in the room,” she observed, “And elephants are scared of mice. I shall bring mice to every cabinet meeting and flush the beast out!”
This has caused an upheaval in Westminster. Boris Johnson has already withdrawn his candidacy to fawn at Thatcher’s ghost, in the hope of getting the ultimate shag.
Michael Gove is seriously worried. As a will o’ the wisp candidate, now you see him, now you don’t, Thatcher’s ghost is a threat to his undead support.
Meanwhile Chris Grayling went to have a stern word with Charon, ferryman to the underworld, about letting Thatcher return, but ended up ordering pizza. That’s how it’s done in the Styx.
Thatcher’s ghost has instantly appealed to members past and present. She represents a glorious, mythical golden age, and is every bit as alive as many Conservative voters in marginal seats.
But it is not all plain sailing. If Thatcher can return, say many disaffected Tories, why not other heroes from the past? The next person expected to stand for leadership is the winner of two world wars and one world cup, Winston Churchill.