BOLD MOVE : Underperforming and outgoing prime minister Theresa May has appointed that stalwart of efficient public governance, Christ!opher Grayling to run the Conservative Party leadership contest.
The move, described as expected, looks certain to secure her tenure inside 10 Downing Street, even after Donald Trump’s visit.
”It will never be completed,” our Conservative Party analyst observed, “the contest to replace her. That’s why she’s done it. And even if, in the most unlikely circumstances, Grayling does see the contest through to privatisation, it will have to be undone. So she’ll end up back where she wants to be, making statements that impact the Sterling exchange rates. Which is as curious for a democracy as having a Secretary of State for Health taking money from advocates of private health care.”
Grayling himself is said to be honoured by her choice and has immediately dedicated himself to making a good fist of it.
”He’s invited all the pizza delivery firms going to bid for the job,” our analyst analysers, “which is smart. Hot favourite to replace May, Boris “Fcuk Business” Johnson, won’t get you a pizza delivered by a ferry.”
The contest is expected to kick off soon and can reasonably be expected to bankrupt the United Kingdom.
”With Grayling running it? Time and cost over runs are built into the planning. Loads of people will get rich. It’s the design. That’s why he’s still there.”
We wish the Prime Minister luck with her gambit and even if it goes wrong, and we end up with a car ferry running the country, we are certain the terms and conditions attached to the next prime minister will be easy to google.