SMELL THE GLOVE : A Tory MP for Somerset has appeared in the Telegraph in a classic leadership photographic power bid.
Nosferatu Rees-mogg (definitely a relation), has served the southwest constituency since the inception of the Tory Party in the 18th century, and he was putting out all the classic symbols that’s he’s in the race for Downing Street.
“It’s unusual for the spread to be in a Friday edition and not a Sunday one,” our Tory Party analyst said, viewing the photos with a sense of impending dread,
“but I guess with May to be sedated and brainwashed this morning, in order to get her to set out her departure schedule without further resistance, he wanted to get a jump on the rest. Well, those that haven’t already declared, which is most of the party.”
What exactly was in the cake though?
”Sunshine. Holy water. Garlic. At least that’s what Nosferatu says. Presumably he wants to quell rumours he’s a bloodsucking vampire and appear trustworthy and wholesome instead.”
The power stance though has come in for criticism, for being too liberal.
”The legs aren’t spread wide enough,” our analyst notes, “whatever your sex, if you’re running to be a leader of the Tories you’ve got to spread ‘em like you’ve a pair of cannon balls swinging down there. This looks more like a couple of rounds of grapeshot. It’s going to count against him when compared with Liz Truss on that toilet seat.”
Other famous party names are expected to declare in the coming days to compete in a very crowded field.
”Al Capone. Vlad the Impaler. The Woman in Black. They’ll all go for it,” our man says, “and of course, Boris the Clown. Whoever wins we can expect a continuation of what we’ve enjoyed since mid 2016.”