BLATHERED: The Home Office is rumoured to be planning to add the extremist pub chain, Wetherspoons, to the list of proscribed organisations as soon as happy hour today, over increasing fears of the radicalisation of drinkers.
“The literature provided inside the pubs is especially alarming,” an anti-radicalisation officer told us today, “people are lured in with the promise of cheap booze, and they get that, and things that look like food, but along with that comes literature best described as religious based zealotry. Oh, and complete fantasy.”
But the literature is not the only cause of alarm, as patrons often find themselves treated to unexpected sermons from the Mad Preacher of Beer.
“Often lay preachers work the room, talking to susceptible people about the promise of utopia, just so long as they believe hard enough in WTO rules,” the officer explains, “but now and then the high priest of bullshit himself will corner them and breathe the stale air of a bitter doctrine over them until they collapse into a coma. When they awaken they are radicalised.”
The CEO of the chain was unavailable for comment. This is curious. For years he’s been all over the shop talking complete bollocks to anyone who will broadcast it.
“He maybe dealing with how to restructure a business built on cheap labour and cheap imports, but which he decided the future of was best served with a purely bullshit based business strategy? It’s not clear. He could of course be writing more chapter and verse for the Brexit Bible.”
At the time of writing it is understood that a new series of beer mats is being planned to explain how German carmakers and Italian wine producers will shortly bash down the door of the Home Office and demand the pub chain be taken off the list.
But how to de-radicalise the drinkers?
“Clean carpet. Fizzy beer. Food that is actually food is only a start. Learning how to not blame foreigners for every screw up in your personal journey in life is going to take a lot longer to achieve. And for the sizeable number of people that understandably just appreciate a cheap pint and a meal, it’s hoped a new church can be founded with a new testament to guide it.”