The UK’s triumphant Eurovision result has been taken, equally triumphantly, as an encouraging sign. Theresa May announced that it meant that she had to get on with it and deliver Brexit.
“The People have spoken,” recited May. “Indeed, Europe has spoken. Brexit must be done, and done as soon as possible. Then we can get back to the important business of winning song competitions.”
It’s hard to argue with her analysis. The UK’s 16 whole points is far better than the usual nul points.
However, closet examination reveals that the UK actually finished bottom of the leaderboard. “That’s not a bad thing!” argued government sycophant Rose Tinted. “It means we are the strongest nation, because we are holding all the others up!”
Tinted hinted that furious discussions were going on behind closed doors. May and Corbyn are locked in talks to agree what the UK entry for 2020 should be. May wants The Only Way Is Up, while Corbyn thinks Things Can Only Get Better is better. Unfortunately, neither Yazz nor Professor Brian Cox can be persuaded to come out of retirement, and Yazz’s band, the Plastic Population, has been recycled.
The result has further implications. David Davis argues that the result will make German car makers force Angela Merkel to change the outcome.
Chris Grayling is still wondering why, for a song contest, the word ‘vision’ is needed. “It’s a real head scratcher,” he admits, scratching his arm. “After all, you can’t see a song, can you? It’s all so difficult, so the sooner we leave the EU the better.”
Dominic Raab is busy searching for Eurovision on a map. “I know it’s here somewhere!” he exclaims, a London A-Z open in front of him. “Isn’t that near Eurotunnel? Ah! Stratford! Shakespeare’s birthplace! That’s up north somewhere, isn’t it?”
But what is to happen about Brexit? The question is left hanging. Like a Puppet on a String.