HEALTH AND SAFETY GONE SANE : THE EU’S FAMOUS food hygiene regime, forced tyrannically upon member states to stop people becoming ill and dying in droves, is under scrutiny today after a high profile food poisoning incident in a Yeovil park.
“Shortly before 8pm last night an ambulance was called to a green space in Yeovil where the Brexit Party were holding a sausage sizzle to raise money, in order to give their funding a veneer of normality,” a spokesman for Yeovil CID told LCD Views, “it appears a middle aged man of the people, it seems entirely funded by curiously funded millionaires, was taken ill after consumption of a suspicious sausage.”
The man in question is rumoured to be none other than Nigel Farage.
“As the individual concerned buckled at the knees and began to vomit violently across the grass a sharp eyed supporter noticed something badly amiss with the sausage he had consumed. At this stage a companion piece of meat was still on the bbq.”
Immediately terrified attendees cordoned off the BBQ to ensure the evidence was not spoiled by being eaten.
“An ambulance service arrived quickly, so too the local police,” the spokesman continues, “the man, at this stage it is said already lapsing into a coma, was reluctantly taken to the Yeovil accident and emergency department. Police slowly summoned forensics officers who bagged and tagged the suspiciously foreign looking sausage.”
The ill man’s stomach was belatedly pumped and treatment is ongoing.
“At this moment the man is receiving heavy doses of toad in the hole in the hope of reversing the effects of the toxic, Euro symbol shaped sausage.”
We heard further from a red faced man who attended the sausage sizzle.
“When they bussed me in they told me I’d get to meet Nigel,” Mr A Gammon of Gammon-on-gammon told LCD Views, “but no sooner had I arrived after shouting traitor for an hour at a house with an EU flag in the window, then I saw him just go down. They told me the sausages were safe to eat. They told me I wouldn’t get hurt. This is why we have to leave the EU on WTO terms immediately, before anyone else is attacked by the fifth columnist insurgents working to undermine the will of the people.”
After a heavy intake of breath the man added,
“The Brexit Party should go back to just receiving thousands of small donations daily through Paypal from overseas backers,” he added, “heaven help it if I’d eaten some tainted meat. I’d never live it down. Or keep it down for that matter.”
At this point we’d normally say ‘oh the humanity’, but that wouldn’t be appropriate in this case.