“No karates please, we’re British!” Liz Truss MP demands in the intro to a new Home Office film aimed at encouraging the teaching of indigenous, British marital arts instead of foreign nonsense.
“For too long now proper British children have been corrupted by sneaky, foreign cultures using physical exertion as a way to sneak into innocent minds,” she continues, “this stops now! Working with the Home Office I have made a home movie that shows the pure path for British kids is Ecky Thump.”
The film then goes on to show the various ways a black pudding can be used as both an offensive and defensive weapon in situations of physical peril.
But not everyone has greeted the new initiative with the acclaim it deserves.
“Is Ecky Thump an Olympic sport?” a traitor, who we have not named for their own protection, wanted to know, “British teams have a long history of excelling on the international stage in a wide range of foreign sports, not least the martial arts. This is a step backwards that epitomises the bollocks that is Brexit.”
These bad questions merely serve to underline Conservative Party leadership hopeful Truss’ point.
“I would go further,” she adds in an editorial printed in the Saturday Torygraph, to encourage take up of Ecky Thump in schools, “and ban foreign nonsense outright. It’s not enough that British pork and cheese exports under perform due to internal sabotage, must our children never learn to wield a sausage aggressively too?”
LCD Views commends Ms Truss, and the Home Office, in their efforts to reclaim the cultural battlefield as Britain looks forward to a brave future as a pioneering, seafaring, free trading, sausage wielding nation freed of the shackles of the EU.
We would go further too. We urge the government to immediately begin petitioning the Olympic Committee to make Ecky Thump an olympic sport that only proper British people are allowed to compete in. This will ensure a clean sweep of all the gold medals.
The popular 1970’s British culture group, The Goodies, known as advocates for the martial art, were not available for comment. Buggered if we can work out why.