GROUND ZERO: A NEW MOD STUDY has revealed that both Chris Grayling MP and cockroaches would survive a nuclear war, and not even the detonation of the Earth’s complete nuclear arsenal would be enough to remove him from government.
“We started on the premise that Chris Grayling was made Secretary of State for Defence,” an MOD spokesman revealed, “in the likely scenario that Penny Mordaunt has a diving contest to attend and an emergency replacement is required. Additionally, all other ministers will have deserted Theresa May’s government after the 7th attempt to pass her Brexit deal. It was pretty straightforward from there. Within hours he had accidentally launched missiles at a nuclear armed foreign power while attempting to change his MOD email password.”
While it’s no surprise that he continues to enjoy the perks of ministerial office, in spite of destroying every brief he touches.
“He’s exceptionally good at moving taxpayer money into the pockets of private companies,” the spokesman noted, “this is why he is still in post. He is actually a high achiever in terms of modern Conservative aims. The outcomes aren’t important. How much you get out of the public purse for private interests is.”
But it’s not clear what the cockroaches would think, should they find themselves finally rulers of all they surveyed, freed from having to hide and scurry about, only to discover the same applied for Chris Grayling.
“I suspect the cockroaches will be smart enough to work it out,” the spokesman mused, “they’d probably privatise Chris Grayling himself, put him in charge of the operation himself and wait for his complete destruction.”