TAKE BACK CONTROL : Rumours out of UKIP HQ today suggest the brains trust running their EU election campaign has begun advising their MEP candidates to pre-soak in milkshakes, before they go out campaigning.
“It’s to take back control of the initiative on the pavements,” UKIP head of campaign strategy, Mr Lactose Dunce, told LCD Views, “if those traitors that don’t like racists see our candidates already dripping wet with milkshake, of any flavour, but preferably vanilla because that’s a white milkshake, so it must be the best colour milkshake, then they won’t bother throwing milkshakes at us.”
Why the focus on vanilla in particular has already been explained above. There is no suggestion that a deluded and dangerous rump group of pretend politicians are being ironic with the choice, even though they are anything but vanilla.
“We did suggest to McDonalds that they stop selling milkshakes during the EU election campaign but they didn’t reply to us,” Mr Dunce added, “which is pretty rude when you consider what we’re doing to boost their sales in the regions of England.”
Earlier strategies of tweeting threats of violence at the general public, should they attempt to throw a milk based beverage at a kipper, seem to have failed.
“The milkshake covers a wide area on launch,” our campaign analyst notes, “it’s essentially the shotgun of the beverage world. An egg is a smart bomb that needs to be fired with precision, but is prone to navigational failure, or it needs to be held in the hand and detonated on target. This is too risky a munition given the target is normally surrounded by football hooligans seeking any pretence for violence. So the milkshake is a smart bomb shot gun. It combines the best of two very useful weapons systems.”
Other suggestions to candidates, such as wrapping themselves in clingfilm are being considered. But it’s feared that the clingfilm, combined with the obligatory tin foil hat, will lead to overheating on warm days.