BREAK AND ENTER : The UK’s state controlled broadcaster, the BBC, is to begin bringing 1930’s tribute act, Nigel Farage, physically to the homes of people who no longer watch their flagship shouting programme, Question Time.
“I’m going to lead the first raid, I mean visitation,” host of QT, Fiona Bruce, told LCD Views, “with our specially trained unit we will ensure that sheep who have strayed from the flock are returned.”
Anyone who doesn’t watch Question Time is minded to keep an ear out for the call “It’s the BBC! Open up!” outside their front doors.
“You’ll have several seconds to comply before the door is broken in,” Ms Bruce said, sympathetically, “but if you fail to open the door and allow Nigel into your dwelling, we will bust that shit open and in he will enter.”
Once Farage is inside the home the trained officers will encourage the homeowners to sit on their sofa so the shepherd can tend the flock.
“The bonus feature in this is that people who have had their door broken down will be added to the ratings of Question Time. That’s very generous of Nigel, don’t you think?”
As to who will pay for millions of broken doors?
“The great British pubic of course,” Ms Bruce shrugged, “they’re already paying for the BBC obsession with promoting populists. It’s a fair shout that Fuhrage would still be an obscure act playing Thursday nights in a Wetherspoons if we hadn’t doggedly elevated him over many years.”
But questions have been raised about what would happen if Nigel is taking one of his rare breaks from Question Time and viewers fail to watch a freak appearance by a Green or Liberal Democrat politician, or perhaps someone like David Lammy or Yvette Cooper?
“Oh, no, we’ll just wipe our brows and be happy we got away with it. Imagine having to open the door for a politician actually elected to office in the UK and belonging to a political party with actual policies? Relative to Nigel? We’d be using at least a tank to open the door or perhaps even a B-52.”