JUST FRACK OFF : The Government’s fracking tsar has handed in her resignation today because fucking greenies are ruining all her fun.
“How can we successfully trash the ground under our feet if bloody hippies and kids keep ruining our fun?” the fracking tsar told LCD Views in an exclusively imagined interview.
It’s a very good question. Given we’ve pretty much completed destroying the top side of the Earth, it really is time we dedicated ourselves to weaponising water to properly eliminate any vestige of a viable biosphere underneath the soil too.
“We can’t keep fracking if there’s earthquakes?” the resigning fracker asked in exasperation, “how is Ineos supposed to have any fun watching its profits escalate, like a global temperature warning, if you can’t play a little rock ‘n roll with the only fossil fuels we haven’t dragged up from under the earth?”
It’s understandable, the level of frustration, if the fossil fuel industry isn’t allowed to extract every viable ounce of climate changing gas from rocks then the government may have to turn back to encouraging renewables.
“All these countries around the world focusing on developing renewables? This gives us a prime position to encourage a fracking industry that no one of the generation who will run things in a decade or two wants! What’s a breathable atmosphere if you’re bank balance isn’t stuffed?”
Asked what they’ll do now that the kids have ruined all her fun, the former tsar is rumoured to have said she is going to take up dynamiting the salmon run in Scotland, just for fun.