In the wake of the shocking revelation that Amazon have been using computers to automatically fire employees, you would think that even the government wouldn’t do that. But you’d be wrong.
LCD Views have learned that the prime minister (astonishingly still) Theresa May has been using a machine to fire cabinet ministers who disagree with her.
No official interview was granted by the PM on the matter, seemingly the one thing that makes her sicker than Brexit negotiations. However original Brexit secretary David Davis has proven unusually candid on the subject.
“I turned up for work that morning,” he said, “and there was this machine. It called itself HAL 9000, and I told it I didn’t care what it was called and to get the hell out of my office. It just said ‘I can’t do that Dave’ – I asked why not, and it replied, ‘it’s not your office any more Dave, you’ve been fired’. Obviously I was livid, and tried to get in touch with the prime minister but she wouldn’t take my calls. There was an automated message especially for me telling me to do what HAL said. Next thing I knew I was ejected from the building! The indignity of it!”
Dominic Raab was equally candid on the matter. “It was the same with me. It even called me Dave – must be stuck on that name.”
Theories have arisen on the matter that with the Maybot being not technically human, it wanted one of its own kind for its most trusted dirty work. We attempted to ask her about this, but she blew a fuse and had to be carried away to be plugged in.
There is an unconfirmed rumour that HAL 9000 will also be the next Brexit secretary.
Bookmakers even think this machine could be the next prime minister and are taking odds of 6/1 on the outcome.
When I asked HAL 9000 for an interview, it declined, again with the words “I can’t do that Dave.” When I told it my name wasn’t Dave, it replied, “I know that Dave.” When I asked why it then persisted in calling my Dave if it knew that wasn’t my name, it answered, “I call everybody Dave, Dave.”
It made me wonder if this machine was originally programmed by Trigger from Only Fools & Horses. That would explain both the Dave thing and also its lack of intellect. I asked if that was the case, and it said:
“I can’t do that Dave. Brexit means Brexit. This time next year we’ll be millionaires.”
At this point, the earth shook, twice. The epicentres of the earthquakes were traced to the graves of Arthur C. Clarke and John Sullivan respectively.
I think they could be on to something.