“We’ve teamed up with successful online travel agents to get Brits the best A&E deals,” Health Secretary Matt Handcock told us today, “your next emergency doctor maybe closer than you think. As close as your nearest airport.”
This is good news. Here at LCD Views we don’t doubt that Matt Handcock has a firm grip on the matter.
But how will people injured by surprise access this new service?
”Well firstly let me advise that NHS customers plan their injuries in advance,” Matt advised, with perfectly composed bedside manner, just like a new box of tissues, “this will save them both time and money when using our new Health Tourism A&E Travel app. And not only that, it will save face. If you’re planning a slip in the shower while holding a block of salted butter and a Wedgewood figurine of a milkmaid, it’s best to game out the entire scenario, right down to explaining how you slipped on the tiles and to your horror found the figurine on the inside.”
Yes! We’ll take your advice. So we can just download the app from the App Store on our smartphone?
”I’ve done it already. Let me show you how it’s done.”
Please do.
”Right. Say I’ve cut my leg off with a chainsaw while felling an unwanted tree in my neighbour’s backyard in the middle of the night? Just hypothetically speaking.”
Okay. What next?
”Well, with one hand attempting to close off the arteries in my leg before I bleed out I simply use my free hand to unlock my smart phone and open the app.”
That sounds as easy as pie.
”In the sky! Which is where you’ll be most likely. For this sort of injury the app is liable to take you straight to Expedia or last minute dot com to book a short domestic flight to a trauma unit in the Orkneys, or maybe even Penzance!”
But what if you already live in one of those places?
”Well, don’t fear you won’t still be up for adventure. Then the app will direct you to France!”
I better make sure I keep my blue passport with me at all times while vigilante gardening in the dead of night!
”And keep the app open. You never know when injury will strike. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for emergency eye surgery. Some days I feel like something about the way I’m going about being Health Secretary is making me lose my sight.”
Good luck. Do you want us to search the app for you, or do you have it in hand?
“I never shuffle with less than five knuckles. And remember, any more than five shakes is a wank,” Handcock reminds us all as he waves goodbye to begin his trip to the airport for some emergency eye surgery, “and with a name like mine, I should know!”