The latest addition to the political party scene has proved to be an instant hit. The Great British Cuppa Party (GBCP) has attracted voters from across the spectrum.
“I expect Nigel Farage is a bit put out,” said Betty Spysztov, GBCP founder. “Everyone at the WI and the Mothers’ Union was saying to me, I’m sick of politics, I would rather have a nice cup of tea. So the GBCP was born, and people with Brexit Fatigue have flocked to us in droves.”
This is despite having no funding, no policies and no manifesto. “It worked for Nigel,” observed Spysztov wryly.
Candidates are standing, or more often sitting, in every region. Armed with nothing more than a China tea set, a table and a set of dining room chairs, some of the more progressive candidates are also offering cake.
Nigel Farage has tried to emulate this naked populism by launching his very own Beer And Fags Party, but ran into difficulties. “We had a large take-up initially,” Farage grumbled. “But then our members’ wives told them not to be so silly, they drink too much anyway, and to have a nice cup of tea, and a slice of Battenburg, and not to argue. I had to cancel the piss-up in the brewery.”
But the GBCP has already run into difficulties. “Coffee drinkers have felt disenfranchised,” explained Spysztov. “And factions have developed. We have an Earl Grey splinter group, who are really hardcore. Already the milk-firsters and the tea-firsters are barely on speaking terms. There are purists who argue that we shouldn’t serve cake at all, although some permit biscuits, just not Jaffa Cakes. And don’t get me started on whether ‘scone’ should be pronounced ‘scone’ or ‘scone’!”
Despite all this, the GBCP is polling consistently around the 42% mark, enough to give Brussels a decent tea break during the next parliament.
Tea Leaves means Tea Leaves. Pop the kettle on, brew up, slice the cake. We’re off to Brussels.