BREAKING : The world of science is the focus of excitement today with the announcement by naturalists working naked in the UK’s political jungle that they have discovered a new species of human.
“Homo brexiputlian is exceptionally short statured compared to other contemporary humans,” Chris’t Almight’y, Head of Devolutionary Studies – Museum of Natural History East Croydon, told LCD Views, “and while other tiny species of humans have recently been discovered in South East Asia, Homo luzonensis and Homo floresiensis, Homo brexiputlian is the first new relative of ours to not only occur completely in italics but to still be alive alongside us. Although the tiny nature of the temporal lobes suggest they do not do well with long term planning, so far as cause and effect. But for political pygmies such as this to thrive for so long is really a cause of wonder.”
Asked why it had taken so long to come across them, Chris’t shrugged and did his best.
“Well they’re exceptionally good at expanding in size when under threat, much like a bullfrog,” he explained, “and it’s believed they do often venture out of their own territory to forage in our own, but they expand to a normal height by excessive retention of hot air. People have realised they are odd, but not that they were an entirely distinct species, until now.”
What are their survival chances?
“Actually much better than you’d expect, given they appear to have little awareness of how their own actions are leading to mass environmental degradation of the UK’s political jungle and seem willing to live in ashes. They may actually be able to adapt fully to our environment, much like seagulls or foxes, and then thrive while mostly irritating the hell out of everyone in an urban environment.”
I hear they have some protectors too?
“Yes. The leaderships of both Conservative and Labour parties have pledged to respect the brexiputlians. Going so far as to declare the entirety of the United Kingdom as their sanctuary, and not just the political wilderness they evolved within, feeding off the intentionally, politically devised disenfranchisement of their taller homo sapien evolutionary relatives. It’s thought actually that a natural byproduct of the current government, austerity, is a key source of nourishment for homo brexiputlians.”
So we can live happily alongside them, with no risk to our own environment?
“Yes. Homo brexiputlians only threaten our economy, international standing and the rule of law, given they have zero respect for it in pursuit of political self interest. Unless you’re a fan of living in a functioning parliamentary democracy I wouldn’t be concerned at all.”