10 Downing Street is not messing about today over the perceived threat from Greta Thunberg, the 16 year old Swedish climate change activist who has terrified middle aged men and women across the United Kingdom with her fact based activism.
“We’re also ordering an immediate gagging of all 16 year olds in the United Kingdom just in case they’ve been influenced by Ms Thunberg,” a Downing Street spokesman announced from the podium outside 10 Downing Street, “it’s an unprecedented move granted, to simultaneously close all 16 year old social media accounts in the United Kingdom, but it’s really just a trial run for how we’ll manage social media in the country once we’ve made a success out of Brexit anyway.”
Emergency parliamentary questions are already being tabled by no less than the entirety of the Conservative Party’s Westminster MPs, and numerous Labour ones in favour of a return to coal mining, as to how in hell the Home Office allowed the child to visit the country in the first place, when her stance on not letting the Earth become a boiling pot of piss that only extreme bacteria can survive in was already well known.
“Sajid is in the hot seat now,” a giddy aide to the PM told us, “he can forget his leadership ambitions if he can’t keep such dangerous thinkers out of the country.”
In defence of the grievous error to refuse the climate change activist admission to the UK, Mr Javid blamed the EU’s scandalous policy of freedom of movement.
“We’re going to put a stop to it right now, unilaterally and the EU can go whistle,” his office reassured, “just until we can work out what the hell is going on. Our phones are in meltdown with the fossil fuel lobby going bananas over this. We’ve already lost party funding from most of business, excepting hedge funds, if we lose big oil too the entire future of the Conservative Party is at risk. Whereas right now it’s about as secure as a polar bear in possession of sunglasses.”
As to how the refusal to allow Ms Thunberg to return will be explained to her, should she attempt to do so and risk an embarrassing international fuss, a government source said the official line will be she creates ‘a hostile environment for political fossils who are blithely ignoring how we’re killing the planet we expect our children to live on. That’s not on. Hostile environments are Ms May’s preserve and hers alone.”