The Conservative 1922 committee will meet later today to tear up the leadership rules of the party and scribble down new ones in a bid to oust Ms May.
“It’s the only way to solve Brexit,” said a fuming backbench MP who clearly has no idea that the problem with Brexit is actually Brexit, “I’m not worried about all the cruelty to poor people and foreigners, I voted for May expecting more of that, and to be fair she has delivered, but not on Brexit, which of course is the only way to finish what she started. So we need to get someone even more insane into the top job.”
The rule change itself is really necessitated by Jacob Rees-mogg and the other ERG hedge fund servants ballsing up their no confidence vote last December, when they realised to their horror that Ms May was too much of a control freak to actually do No Deal, the ultimate, immediate loss of all control.
“If we had a proper Brexiter in Downing Street and not a bloody remoaner we’d be watching the poor fight over stale bread by now while counting the profits of shorting sterling,” the backbencher seethed, “this is intolerable. But we have a plan. Trump.”
Once the rule change is approved the next leadership challenge will be possible by early June.
“We’re going to televise it,” the backbencher advised, looking happier, “and Trump is going to judge the competitors for next Conservative Party leader in an Apprentice style format called ‘The Brexprentice’. It’s a total vote winner. And it will ensure that the right candidate gets the job, as only true believers in Brexit will be allowed to take part,
“And because the people won’t get a vote in this special, it’ll be democratic in the way we have redefined it since 2016,
“It’s hard to see how else we can help our special friends across the pond get stuck into the greatest concentration of private assets in the UK, people’s homes, just as the demographic that owns them is reaching a stage in their lives when they’ll need healthcare the most. It’s a win win. We’ve cut down the magic money tree now let’s slaughter the healthcare cash cow.”
Who will you vote for in the Tory party Brexprentice leadership special? Don’t answer that. You won’t get to vote. Brexit Britain is the plaything of the Brexiters and Lexiters and no one else.