Formerly fluffy headed buffoon Boris Johnson has apparently given up on ever leading the Conservative Party. Instead he has set his sights on leading the ERG.
Out will go the staid leadership of Jacob Rees-Mogg. In will come a group fashioned in Boris’ own image. No more European Research, as Boris never did any anyway. Instead, it will become the BOris Rules! Group, or BORG for short.
The BORG will then attempt a takeover of the whole of Parliament. This will happen by assimilation, as entire factions succumb to the charm of the straw-headed straw man. The BORG collective will absorb all knowledge, and become immune to all opposition.
This will greatly assist some of the current ERG’s lesser lights. Suddenly, mutton-headed gammonistas like Mark Francois and Andrew Bridgen will instead become drones. They will drone on and on, but be in possession of the hive mind. Loss of individuality and the necessity to recharge the batteries at regular intervals will be small inconveniences.
Other changes will occur. Instead of Rees-Mogg’s schoolboy Latin, BORG drones will spout cod Shakespeare, and waffle and stammer in an endearing fashion. The clowning will conceal a burning ambition to rule the Delta Quadrant, and conquer the Klingons, the Ferengi, and the Kardashians.
But the biggest target of the BORG will be the Federation, otherwise known as the EU. The BORG’s mission statement reads, ‘This is the EU of our discontent’. It is prepared to refight the Battle of Bosworth every year until the right side wins. The BORG will absorb the defection that cost the King the battle, so that treachery becomes the norm.
“A whore, a whore!” they will cry. “My constituency for a whore!”
The BORG King himself will sit at the centre of the web, pulling the strings, while dashing off another load of guff for The Telegraph. He will then unwind with a stiff brandy and a voluptuous secretary.
It will be a Titanic success. Unless it hits an iceBORG…