BREAKING : LCD Views is receiving reports of a Turkish man arrested while attempting an illegal restoration of one of the more famous British monuments.
”We built this as thanks for a good harvest!” the mailed and chained man was heard shouting as he was bundled away by armed officers from the Ministry for Historical Purity, “and look at it now? Fallen into ruin!”
What really motivated the man is not yet clear, especially as he seems to have ruined celebrations planned entirely in his honour and due to be held tomorrow, in numerous countries.
”The hostile environment policies pioneered by the prime minister when she was ruining the Home Office will do for this so called George,” a spokesmen for the Ministry for Historical Purity told us, “if such a nest of government vipers, I mean policies, was in place six thousand years ago there wouldn’t be any ancient monuments to desecrate to begin with. Just a green and pleasant landscape. What man comes to steal a good traditional English name like a George anyway? Thought he’d get away with it!”
By why attempt to work on Stonehenge? There are many run down places that could have benefited from the work, and with no risk of arrest?
”It’s a blatant foreign attack on pure Britishness,” the spokesman informed, “everyone knows Stonehenge is an egg.”
Excuse me?
”It is the egg that God himself, an Englishman, caused to rise from the soil by magic and broke apart to birth the first pure born Englishman on Earth. It wasn’t the work of some illegal immigrants from the Mediterranean.”
This isn’t what they taught us at school.
”It will be now,” the spokesman said, “once we finish fetishing the Empire in the school curriculum we will move back in time fast.”
Saint George himself has been taken to a secure immigration detention facility awaiting reparation, hopefully before tomorrow and his party.