A middle-aged Leicester man digging his garden has unearthed what he believes to be royal remains. The evidence, he says, is irrefutable.
LCD Views’ Bloody Hell, Something Has Actually Happened In The East Midlands correspondent was dispatched to investigate.
First stop, the home of the excited man, Doug Ahole. “I was digging up a patch of nettles, when I discovered this bone,” gasped Ahole. “First, I found some of my son’s old toy cars on the ground. Under them, in the ground, was the bone. Everyone knows kings are buried under car parks!”
Ahole immediately stopped digging and covered the area in plastic sheeting to prevent damage from the weather. The bone was placed into the custody of the University’s archaeology department. Pleased with his prompt actions, Doug summoned his wife to make him a brew and a cheese cob.
Doug’s wife, Phyl, was not impressed. “You need to get those nettles out sharpish,” she said. “I’ve got bedding plants to put in. Do the weeding, fill the hole and stop mithering, or you can make your own cheese cob!”
Ahole by name…
We contacted Leicester’s head of publicity, Lou Sing-Battle, for comment. “We are going to build another cathedral to house the bone,” said Sing-Battle. “And convert Mr Ahole’s house into a visitor centre. And get experts from all over the world to confirm that the bone belongs to a king, and not to some poor sheep that died there before they built the housing estate.”
Sing-Battle was at pains to point out that Leicester was famous for more than a dead king and a freak Premier League title. “Yeah, there’s old buildings, and a market,” she said. “And shops. Lots of shops. The new bus station is quite nice. Yeah.”
The city uses the slogan “Two dead mediaevals and one League title!” to attract visitors. The search for the second dead mediaeval, Cardinal Wolsey, continues apace.
Car parking space in Leicester is almost impossible to find.