BREAKING (MONUMENTS) : The Salisbury countryside is in for a swift and much needed renewal with the news that Stonehenge is to be demolished after the revelation it was built by immigrants.
”Before the end of today, or definitely by first light tomorrow, a team will be on site at Stonehenge with JCB’s and dynamite,” Mr Potty Pure (Tory MP – Bashhead-on-Rock), Minister for Cultural Purity told LCD Views, “no later than lunch time Thursday. At the latest. We’re not messing about with this. It’s too explosive.”
The news that the government is to act quickly to protect the sensitive feelings of proper British people, and especially Brexiters, has pleased many.
”It’s an insult to all hardworking British men and children,” a spokesman for Nigel Farage told LCD Views, calling via the Kremlin, “the fact that Stonehenge has been allowed to stand so long shows the damage immigrants can do to the British countryside. Those rocks belong in British soil where British people can marvel at them. Not stood upright for millennia as a plain taunt to the eyes of the people who pay the taxes immigrants come to steal.”
Asked what will be built in the place of the insulting eyesore, Mr Pure was definite.
”A carpark,” he replied, puffing out his chest, “a classic British carpark which will be a fitting reminder to the Turks that invaded the landscape due to lax EU border controls not to come here with ideas about farming and putting one stone on top of another stone ever again.”
But the decision to replace Stonehenge with a carpark hasn’t gone unchallenged.
”They’ll be wanting a monarch to bury under the carpark I suppose,” a representative from Leicester Cathedral said, “well they’re not having our Richard. We’ve only just dug him up.”
Rumours that the Home Office will import a Dutch monarch to bury under the carpark are yet to be confirmed.
”That’s just scurrilous gossip. We’ll be placing a proper English king under the asphalt. Like William the Conqueror or maybe even Prince Albert, if the Victoria and Albert Museum will let us have him.”
New postcards of the Salisbury landscape will shortly be issued by the Ministry for Cultural Purity and this time they’ll show the proper story of Britain exactly how it needs to be rewritten.