LCD Views can only speculate on the contents of David “porky” Cameron’s long awaited memoirs, but thankfully we don’t have to as Disney have released a film adaptation of the book, prior to the book release.
“HarperCollins are actually threatening to sue Disney,” an insider in David Cameron’s shed told LCD Views, “I’m so happy to talk to you. It’s so depressing in here. Mostly it’s just Dave sitting in that old armchair that belonged to Chamberlain muttering about how he wasn’t wrong to call the IN/OUT ref.”
That must get a little dreary.
“David’s mantra is ‘no regrets’, but Tony Blair phones him up every now and then and just laughs. I think he’s trying to do a Joker impersonation. David doesn’t want to talk about it. The prank calls are a little weird. Dave blocks Tony’s number, but he just gets another burner and calls again.”
We will have our people talk to ‘T Bone’ and ask him to lay off.
“Would you? Dave has enough on his plate, what with arranging for the silver to be polished and wandering the halls of the house wondering if he should get his wardrobe updated. Like, a total makeover or just one hundred new pairs of Diesel jeans and some thongs?”
So tell us what’s upset HarperCollins?
“Disney were sold the rights to Cameron’s memoirs but they weren’t supposed to release the film adaptation until the book comes out. It was supposed to be a tie-in. The marketing people are livid.”
Well, they’re probably fed up with waiting? The link between a fictional elephant that can fly, but no one believes in his hidden abilities, and an empty vessel of a man who triggered potentially the break up of the United Kingdom because no one believed in his hidden potential for blind stupidity, that’s a strong link. I wouldn’t want to sit on the movie either. Get it out there! No regrets!
“I think it’s mostly the ending to the film that has upset HarperCollins.”
Why? Is it not factual?
“It’s too factual. In the movie Davebo ends up with his reputation shredded, doomed to mostly be remembered for shagging a dead pig in the head. Oh, and buying a shed. It’s a spoiler that may put people off bothering buying the book instead.”
But what about Brexit?
“Oh, that’s doomed to fail too, so he won’t even be remembered for that in the end, it’ll be a footnote.”
So just remembered for allegedly shagging a dead pig in the head?
“Yes. Just as he deserves.”