Britons, both global and local, are being ordered to rejoice today at confirmation of a slowing of the ageing process in the U.K.
“It’s a marvel,” a Downing Street aide to Theresa May told LCD Views, “if you look at the numbers we’ve produced, Britons, on average, have gotten younger. It’s really a youth surge! And better still there haven’t been any new voters coming of age since the overwhelming mandate delivered on the 23rd June all those years ago to Brexit.”
The statistics, released today to help combat perceptions that Brexit is predominately an old person’s game, and an old Tory one at that, will bring a lot of relief to people who worry their life is ticking away too fast.
“It will also reassure people who maybe wavering at the thought of how pissed off all those millions of young people are at the government. And what future that holds for the Conservative Party once it’s loose grip on power finally slips. Oh, and at the Official Opposition who also keep spouting the tired phrase, honour the result of the frauderendum and are doing their level best to help bring Brexit about too, against the wishes of people of all ages in their membership.”
Good news indeed. We presume the new numbers were produced with scientific accuracy?
“As accurate as Steve Baker explaining how to get around an electoral spending cap!”
That is vigorous.
“Yes. Not only will these better numbers alleviate the concerns young people have over demographic disenfranchisement, but they also help combat suggestions that continuing to honour the result of a corrupted referendum years ago, is now getting just a little bit silly and we should check what people think today,
“Oh, and a little bit disenfranchising due to all the people who voted Out who have died, and all the people who couldn’t vote who have since turned eighteen,
“Oh, and all the criminal activity that has come to light since. The foreign interference the government refuses to investigate,
“Oh, and the fact that every reason for Brexit has been shown to be complete and utter bollocks with no discernible advantage for anyone but tax dodging, inheritance millionaires and right wing, human hating bastards, curiously allied with far left ‘thinkers’. Hey! Some of those inheritance millionaires must be quite young!”
What will the government due to make sure everyone is aware that no one has turned eighteen since the 23rd June 2016? We think there’s a lot of misconception out there.
“We’ll shortly be spending millions across social media, and traditional media platforms, to let everyone know that anyone who claims to have turned eighteen since the EU referendum is lying.”
What about the people who have passed away since?
“They’re also lying. If you see any of them, you be sure to report them to the police.”