BREAKING : THERESA MAY is expected to be crowned prime minister of England, and the other places (she can’t list their names off the top of her head) for the term of all your natural lives this evening in Brussels, after she successfully demands an article 50 extension of fifty years from the EU27.
“The ERG are going to lose their collective shit,” our Brussels correspondent observes, “like, out of their minds, scat all over the walls like a monkey with a runny tummy. Because as much as they sound off, not one, I mean NO ONE, wants the job of prime minister until Brexit is delivered (like the screaming child of Satan clawing its way out of the underworld). Although I expect Corbyn will be chuffed. He gets to keep sitting on the fence, always looking like he’s about to do something, till he pops his clogs. Nice. Works for both sides.”
It works for the EU too?
“Of course, this way they’re not standing in the way of a member state leaving, but if the member state is always sat looking out the door like the proverbial cat, well, they win too. Even the break clause of forty years will be acceptable to all.”
We expect this may cause some dissent amongst the ageing, and physically dying, membership of the Conservative Party?
“So what? Pandering to their type is what got the Tory party into this mess to begin with. If they don’t do Brexit younger voters will naturally ignore an institutionally racist Home Office, food banks, homelessness, income inequality, a housing market skewed to the interests of kleptomaniacs from offshore, a shafted higher education system, a demolition of youth and social services leading to increases in crime, a pathetic train service, environmental vandalism in the form of fracking while renewables are discouraged, and all the other things, it’s rather a long list. Put Brexit on top of that and the Tories are stuffed, but without it? Who cares! They’ve a bright future. Well, May does anyway.”
Surely she needs a different title then? Because this won’t be a normal premiership, it’s more like a banana republic where a president refuses to stand down.
“President? Yeah, I think we can get royal assent for that. Just think, now that she’s pulled this off, some people will go from cradle to grave with May as PM, if she lives long enough. Even Thatcher couldn’t manage that!”