BROKEN : LCD Views has wind of the rumour right now that the Tory/ERG MP for Northwest Leicestershire, Little Andy Bridgen, is being held on suspicion of eating two fellow MPs.
It’s believed the MP is being detained in a padded room, near to medical facilities, while police and trained medical staff attempt to determine the veracity of the claim. We sent an imagined reporter down to the location of this imagined internment at Guys Hospital in Westminster.
“Shortly before 5am this morning reports started to circulate that Liberal Democrat MP Layla Moran and Labour MP Yasmin Qureshi were reported missing after failing to come back from a BBC special specifically designed to give UKIP MP Andrew Bridgen an excuse to wear a pretend military uniform.”
The special, more correctly viewed as a prank on the opposition MPs with the BBC management’s full backing, was initially criticised for wasting license fee payers’ money, until it took what seems a darker turn.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-47855741/brexit-escape-room-can-these-mps-get-out
“It’s believed the motivation for Mr Bridgen to cannibalise his colleagues is in advance of Jacob Rees-mogg seizing control of parliament later this afternoon. This is thought to lend credibility to claims that Bridgen and Francois have been armed with pikes and told to arrest any MPs that dissent to the takeover when it occurs.”
We spoke to a medical specialist dealing with cannibalism to see if there is any chance at all that Moran and Qureshi could have either escaped (but be in hiding), or survive such a frightening experience?
“They’ll be fine,” Doctor Vomit told LCD Views, “if it is proven that Mr Bridgen has eaten them, they’ll be fine.”
But how so?
“In order to consume his colleagues Mr Bridgen will first have blown himself up like a bullfrog. He will physically have enlarged to a size that actually makes his big mouth appear in proportion. He will then have swallowed them both whole, one after another. It will have happened in the blink of an eye.”
But how could they survive?
“Layla and Yasmin are too full of factual knowledge for Bridgen to digest. Rescuing them will be a simple matter of forcing the ERG to disgorge the meal. They will be wet. They’ll want a shower or a hot bath and some time alone, but they will be otherwise unharmed.”
Phew! More on this as it develops, presumably after someone has stuck a few fingers down Mr Bridgen’s throat and caused the missing link to throw up the missing MPs.