Great news for people who like traditional neurological surgery today with the announcement that Kate Hoey MP (UKIP) is to begin selling “Do-it-yourself lobotomy” kits for use in the home.
LCD Views’ Conscience correspondent went along to one of the rare surgeries held by Kate in her (former) Vauxhall constituency office to learn more.
INT. HOEY’S SURGERY NIGHT, ALWAYS NIGHT
A middle aged woman in a ragged coat hunches in the middle of a black tiled floor.
Burning torches flutter in the corners, driven hither and thither by an unseen wind, but the light rarely penetrates the darkness.
A woman, known as KATE to mortals, holds a lit candle and is drawing a magic circle in the centre of the floor.
Another woman enters, young, go-getting reporter ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT.
ROSIE holds a silver cross in front of herself.
From the lump under her tight fitting, black leather jacket, it would be easy to believe she has a pistol on her hip. It would be easy to believe this show is on ITV.
KATE ignores ROSIE.
KATE waves the candle back and forth. She mutters in the ancient, unintelligible language of the ERG, incanting as she draws her circle.
ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT
“Ms Hoey? Labour, I mean UKIP, representative for Vauxhall?”
KATE glances rapidly over her shoulder.
KATE
“Are you the gate keeper? Nigel has summoned the gate keeper. Are you the gate keeper? Answer me.”
ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT
What gate needs keeping?
KATE
“Nigel, my master, he is the key master. He must have the gate or he can not de-stablise the peace.”
ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT
“I’m here to learn about your do-it-yourself lobotomy kits? We’re featuring them in the afternoon edition of LCD Views? Home Medicine. It’s a new weekly feature.”
KATE begins to levitate above the tiles. She flies at ROSIE, but recoils from the cross.
KATE
“Hiss! Hiss! Take a lobotomy pack and get out! Go home child of man and carve out your temples.”
ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT advances towards KATE.
She holds the cross in front of her. Her other hand on the lump on her hip.
ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT
“Not until you tell me the recommended retail price for the lobotomy kits.”
ROSIE crosses through the circle on the floor.
She continues towards KATE, who is desperately trying not to singe her hair on a torch in the corner.
KATE
“Back away! I’ve just had my hair done to go boating with the dark lord Furherage!”
ROSIE is undaunted.
She steps in closer.
She doesn’t see that behind her, out of the circle she has just left, a dark shadow is gathering with a pint in its hand and a cigarette in its mouth. The shadow has wings and they are spreading.
END SCENE