We can report today from the stunning landscape of self-delusion on the state of the Conservative Party.
“It hates everyone,” our Tory party insider reveals.
We know that. We don’t make up figments of our imagination, and pretend they’re sources, to state the bleeding obvious. What else have you got?
“No. Wait. It hates everyone. That now includes itself. In fact it has so much self loathing now it’s so toxic it probably can’t survive being itself, which it hates, for much longer.”
Well that’s encouraging, given that until recently it’s specialised in just hating anyone that wasn’t it.
“Yes. It’s evolved as a party. Which is nice.”
But how has it arrived at the station of self loathing?
“Choo! Choo!”
Excuse me?
“The Hostile Environment Express.”
They’re on a train?
“Yes. And it’s called at every possible stop along the way. From racist immigration policies that have ruined the UK’s reputation abroad. From privatising every possible public service, merely to funnel public money into private pockets (anyone who thinks Grayling is a failure isn’t paying attention, he’s a runaway success). From running down the NHS in preparation to switch up from constant piecemeal privatisation to handing it lock stock to US private health care. From fracking in the grip of climate crisis. From punishing sick and poor people with insane DWP assessments. From…”
I think we can stop you there. There’s so many stops on the line and you haven’t even mentioned Brexit.
“Oh, that’s the final destination. That’s where the Hostile Environment engine explodes and takes everything with it.”
So let me get this straight, if the Hostile Environment Express doesn’t arrive at its final stop we can save the country and reverse back through all the stops on the line?
“We could. But what’s more important? Saving the country or saving the Tory Party?”
Don’t you mean the nasty party? To borrow a phrase from the current prime minister who, ironically enough, has fulfilled her earlier warning as prophecy?
“Everyone has to decide for themselves. But I’d suggest if we end up participating in the EU elections and it causes the Tory Party to destroy itself, they’ve only themselves to blame. Choo choo.”
I’ll stand at the nearest station and cheer that one along the line.