Strong and stable Theresa May has, once again, dragged the Downing Street podium into the spotlight in an attempt to appear less wooden. This time, she has made a barefaced plea for Jeremy Corbyn to join her in a coalition of chaos.
This follows an all-day Cabinet meeting, in which the executive was locked in a fortified dungeon until they agreed to support May’s dead duck of a deal. To disguise her intention to put it before Parliament yet again, she insisted that Corbyn was brought on board. This transparent attempt at consensus, she informed them, would allow MV4 to sneak under Bercow’s radar.
In the end, the cabinet folded. Not because they agreed with May, but it was the only way she would let them out to go to the toilet.
“I have today extended the hand of cooperation to Jeremy Corbyn,” May grated. “This is an effort to break the impasse that my pigheaded insistence on illogical red lines has created. It will be chaotic, but that’s because I don’t have much wriggle room left before the EU imposes a democratic election upon us. And that must never be allowed to happen!”
Corbyn allegedly heard the announcement while telling his home-grown spuds that they will soon be Free English Potatoes. But enough about John McDonnell and Keir Starmer.
Corbyn looked the gift horse in the mouth, and decided that it might not have been completely flogged to death after all. He failed to smell a rat (coz it’s a horse, innit), or to attach strings to it as a condition of his cooperation.
May, who had been sweating on Corbyn’s capitulation like only an android can, was relieved. “Finally, we have found the way forward,” she informed the bored press in a long-deserted barn somewhere in northern England. “With Labour on board, I can finally resign, and fuck off into the sunset, leaving Jeremy carrying the can. Brexit? Who gives a toss, I’m loaded!”
With that, she gave the can one last kick for luck and buggered off, leaving both the can and the keys to Number Ten in Corbyn’s bewildered hands.
It will be a truly Socialist Brexit. Await the Red Dawn.