“The MP for Red Cloud and Fingerling is not just any parliamentary potato,” the legend underneath the planned statue of Mark Francois will read, “he’s a hard boiled, mashed, salted and buttered parliamentary potato. And furthermore, in a first for GM vegetables, he can talk!”
And not only that, he’s to be the first of many ERG statues planned for College Green, as the United Kingdom moves to celebrate the quality of MPs currently dominating the debate over Brexit.
“Potatriots one and all,” the parliamentary select committee dealing in monuments found, “and we aim to celebrate them with root vegetable, and cured meat, lifelike statues in the vicinity of Westminster.”
But controversy has already beset the celebration of modern British democratic virtues, as critics (aren’t there always critics!) have been quick to point out that the statue of Mr Francois will be too large.
“We are aware that the steering committee concerned rejected the first proposal of a Tom Thumb sized Francois, for exaggerating the MPs stature at 1.02m, when everyone knows that he’s the smallest man in the Commons, busily battling it out with Bridgen, Kawczynski, Cash, Deadwood and numerous others to get the little mantle,” a statue critic said, “but even at standard potato size the statue will give a disproportionate impression of the MPs’ contributions. We suggest baby new potato size, or maybe even just one of the little white and pink sprouty things that come off a potato left in a pantry for too long.”
Other issues have been raised with the colour of the statue, for being standard pale, when in fact the MP is bright red the majority of the time. As such, a variety of potato such as Red Cloud would be more suitable.
“At least everyone can agree that motion activated speakers, intended to broadcast (in shouts) the MPs’ famous speeches whenever anyone comes near, are a lovely addition. In this way future generations can get a real idea of how everything just went so completely wrong in Brexit Britain.”