BREAKING : The all day long meeting of Theresa May’s cabinet, and their special advisors the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, broke for an unscheduled time out just moments ago, even though no decision on which rider to inflict on the public first has yet been reached.
“I’m frankly fed up with it,” Famine texted LCD Views to say, “I’ve worn out overseeing Universal Credit as it is. Do you know how taxing it is to take the seed of an idea born in Iain Duncan Smith’s brain and drive it all the way through to fulfilment? I really don’t get paid enough. But now they’ve got me hanging about month after month to help Brexit. Elevating Brexit to the position of fifth rider was supposed to ease the workload, as he can multi-task like no one when it comes to ruination, but he’s not yet been allowed to start work. I’m fed to the gills. Which is not something I normally say, given I feed off modern Conservative Party policies and my appetite is endless.”
And Famine wasn’t the only rider to message during the garden break.
“None of them have got any balls,” Death texted, “they just talk and talk and talk. It’s pretty tiresome. I’ve a ten year plan that starts with Brexit, preferably No Deal, but any Brexit will do, as it’s about breaking apart the EU as a peace project. You know, return the European continent back to its traditional values of bloody squabbles and mass conflict. Not this mind numbing nonsense of sitting about in committees debating regulations and rights. Yawn. I’m tempted to skip out and go and see what Trump is up to. No one will notice, I’m ever present, always looking over your shoulder anyway.”
But perhaps the most scathing message was received from Brexit itself.
“I’ve learned to ride. I’ve got a saddle. I’m good to go. What is the bloody hold up? Why won’t they let me get to work? I’m with Death. None of them have got any balls. If I have to take anymore of listening to May and those planks in there bleat on, trying to square the circle of destroying the country for the profit of disaster capitalists, while not destroying their party, I’m going to lose it. Just as well Labour didn’t back the motion to have an emergency break in the event of a No Deal Brexit,
“I just hope Labour can triangulate its membership long enough, and fence sit long enough for May and the Tories to finally deliver me. I can tell you. It’s going to be quite a final birth by the mother of all parliaments! One more push love! Right now I’m just crowning.”