“I must advise the honourable, and the dishonourable, members of this house that if they ever wish to see their families again they will pass my Deal this evening,” a clearly furious Theresa May told the HoC this afternoon after her dodgy deal failed to pass third time lucky.
”This Government will now move to bring MV4 on MY DEAL by 6pm this evening and I advise you to vote for it.”
The reason for the delay was not initially clear, why not just do it again right now?
”They had to lock BERCOW in a cupboard and put a Bercow mask on Dominic Raab,” our Palace of Westminster insider texted out, “and it was thought it was going to take a few hours to locate and kidnap enough members of opposition bench families to hold as security for good behaviour.”
Another reason for a few hours pause was believed to be Ms May personally taking a chainsaw to the magic money tree and chopping the last of it to the ground.
”A bigger cash incentive will be needed to swing around the zealots in the ERG and the zealots in the DUP, but she’s their measure now. She’ll get her deal through by this evening at the fourth attempt and then she can switch back to blackmail. Much less grubby than bribery.”
Quite what will happen if May’s deal doesn’t pass at the fourth attempt is not yet clear, as always with Brexit.
”What the government really fears is a long Article 50 extension,” our insider says, “that’ll mean a terrifying outbreak of democracy. EP elections, then a GE and finally the PV. And no one wants to vote again. We already had a vote, once, years ago.”