Theresa May was presumed politically injured, but still alive last night, after she attempted to fall on her sword and missed.
”It was a big hearted attempt at political seppuku,” our political analyst granted, “she kneeled on the floor before the 1922 committee of senile delinquents, opened her silk robe to reveal skin that appeared scaled underneath, took her sword in her hands and paused dramatically.”
Then what?
”Wait. It was a dramatic pause.”
Waiting…waiting….
”She then offered to complete her put up job as Brexit patsy by resigning, probably, if everyone backed her deal.”
Apparently there were misty eyes in the room. To see a servant of darkness so close to fulfilling her half of the Faustian pact that made her prime minister.
”She then attempted to stab herself in the heart and failed.”
Did she at least pierce her skin?
”Oh, she went clean through and out the other side. Penetration wasn’t the issue. The inability to locate the shrivelled up prune that serves as her hostile environment, food bank breeding ‘Go Home’ van heart was.”
So what happened next?
”More tears. Big sobs actually from Boris. He thought he was about to be proclaimed leader, even as the political blood was slopped off the floor, but in the end of course he, and Rees-mogg ended up just tripping over in it and injuring themselves too.”
But what happened to Theresa May?
”She stood up and announced grandly she was going to fall on her sword instead,” our analyst informs, “the blood offering would be made. But of course as soon as she made to leap to fall on the point Arlene Foster gave her a shove and she just faceplanted into the floor.”
A right Brexit facepalm moment.