The prime minister of the United Kingdom, who has a record of doing what she says she will that’s as credible as norovirus promising a pleasant cruise on a ship, took to the stage in a London backroom earlier this evening to make a tantalising offer.
“Look, we’re all completely punch drunk on nostalgia for the good old days,” the pm told a room totally representative of the country, “and so we want to burn the modern world. You want to burn it because you don’t like hearing funny voices in public. I want to burn it because I don’t like smelling funny food when I’m walking to church on Sundays. So here’s my offer, I’ll set fire to our Wicker Man myself if everyone in the United Kingdom will just get inside with me.”
The offer, with its old world appeal (about 2000 BC) certainly set the room alight. Mostly because of the opportunity it seemed to offer to certain people in the room who wanted to see the woman burn, while setting fire to the country, and then hoped to run away while everyone else was climbing in, in order to rule the ashes.
”It’s going to play exceptionally well with the country,” a BBC reporter is likely to tweet later, “the noble self sacrifice of a leader who has delivered on the overwhelming mandate delivered by the country to burn itself to cinders. I can’t see how anyone could fail to acknowledge the nobility of the offer.”
Various prominent men were also quick to take up the offer.
”I’ll strike the bally match for her! What ho! What a hoot!” a blonde ball bag with an act told us, “and then I’ll seize the reigns of power and impregnate every young filly in the land.”
How could any of this possibly go wrong?