Maidenhead council has decided to honour its MP and former Prime Minister in the best possible way. A statue of Theresa May will be erected in the town centre. The plans have already aroused strong feelings, and the debate is set to rage for an indefinite length of time.
The statue was created by local sculptor, Charl Atan. Atan was selected after an extensive search, cost-benefit analysis and due diligence performed by Chris Grayling. Atan received over £33m for his work, although it was later disclosed that it was worth virtually nothing.
It comprises a lifelike image of May, in lifelike grey, on a 1970s pattern Dalek pedestal. To illustrate her flimsy hold on power while in office, it will be delicately balanced on ten Irish fossils.
The location is a big sticking point. Initial plans to locate it inside the town’s main car park have foundered, mainly because the local archaeologists want to excavate it in case there is a king buried there. So instead, it will be placed on Maidenhead High Street, outside the fudge shop.
Physicist Newton Slaws did a quick calculation, and gave LCD Views his verdict. “It’s all a bit weak and wobbly,” he said. “Even though it quotes one of her famous catchphrases, ‘Strong and stable’, I expect it to topple over almost daily.”
Geologist Luke Atrox criticised the materials used in its construction. “Whatever it is, it crumbles to dust under the slightest pressure,” he said. “Oddly enough, the next morning it has reformed, only to crumble away again.”
Town planner Bill Tenvironment was puzzled. “It has been placed in the middle of the road, causing an obstruction,” he said. “Nothing can move in the town centre, yet the statue has resisted all attempts to move it.”
The statue is likely to be a major attraction in Maidenhead. Of particular interest is the dedication, which reads “Let me be entirely clear about this. F@dge w8fle mea#dfuigle$$ r*f*r*nd*m d?l&v;r Brexit.”