An aeroplane flying from London to Düsseldorf went missing, before turning up unexpectedly in Edinburgh. The involvement of so-called Transport Secretary Chris Grayling was suspected immediately.
“It’s about time I got a bit more hands-on with this transport malarkey,” a relieved Grayling told LCD Views’ Flights Of Fancy correspondent. “After all, how hard can it be? I got my mate Dominic Raab to help out, just in case. It was like two slapheads arguing over a comb, just like our normal Cabinet meetings!”
That’s an incredible reference to the Falklands conflict.
“What does Falklands even mean?” asked Grayling, with his characteristic vacant expression. “Don’t try to cloud the discussion with facts!”
So let us know what actually happened, then.
“Oh, it was like, it’s my turn with the map, and you have the compass,” replied Grayling. “It’s all about taking back control. We couldn’t manage to work it out, so we just pointed at a random place on the map and told them to fly there. I must say, it was an outstanding success. Nobody died! Although I did try to kick Dom up the arse, but I just ended up injuring his elbow.”
While they were squabbling, the pilot, Gaynor Thousandfeet, put the destination to a People’s Vote. 52% voted unanimously to continue to Düsseldorf, while the 48% who said, fuck it let’s hit the Royal Mile and get pissed on single malt whisky, were, naturally enough, ignored completely.
Investigations revealed that the map used was a special Brexit Edition. This shows Great Britain (with an emphasis on the south-eastern regions), surrounded by sea containing the legend “Here be monsters” in Gothic lettering.
The latest reports indicate that Thousandfeet successfully guided the aeroplane to Düsseldorf. Some of the passengers were still moaning about having to put up with German lager instead of a good Scotch.