Liars, damned liars and Chris Grayling, as the saying goes. The man who has turned failure into an art form has pulled off his most audacious stunt yet.
LCD Views’ 80s Style Demo correspondent bumped into the man himself, at the People’s Vote march, almost as if it had been planned.
“I must say, this is a brilliant turnout for a Brexit march,” remarked Grayling, amid a sea of placards demanding that we revoke Article 50. “The news said Nige’s march only had a handful of people. Well, it shows you how biased the media are!”
We believe that Farage’s Big Pointless Waddle is actually stuck in the mud somewhere in Yorkshire at the minute.
“March means march!” exclaimed Grayling, displaying the confidence that has made him such an accomplished failure. “March is the month for marching. See what I did there? Anyway, I’m sure Nige will roll up any minute now, and lead us to glorious, err, something or other.”
We approached the stage, by some kind of miracle. The crowds parted, nobody wanting to touch the hem of Grayling’s robe. He was drawn, irresistibly, to the sight of a microphone, and somehow managed to stagger up in front of it. The crowd jeered in anticipation.
“Cheering, not jeering!” he chuckled, off-mic. “I feel the need to speak. What shall I say?”
We passed him a draft of the gibberish we had, sadly, prepared for the booze-up that evening.
“Friends, Romans, cun…. Hang on, that’s not right, is it?” he began.
We assured him that he was doing just fine.
“Yes, well, anyway, it is great to see you bunch of sarcastic tossers,” he continued. “This is a great triumph of disorganised chaos, dreamed up by a bunch of drunken idiots. Just like Brexit!”
Massive cheers. “It’s going really well, isn’t it?” he whispered as an aside.
“Today we have proved that alcohol and being incredibly funny go together like Chris Grayling and spaffing money up the wall!”
Gales of laughter. Grayling beamed, his reputation cemented forever.
“So thank you for bothering to get off your arses, and the first round is on me!”
Mayhem. Scenes. Delight.
The government is expecting to pick up a bar tab that is second only to David Davis’s.