Britain’s botched Brexit negotiations have led nowhere. The EU has refused to budge a single inch, or even centimetre. Theresa May’s strength and stability have been shattered, and all that is left is her intransigence.
Leading Brexiters have suggested the perfect solution. All future negotiations will be conducted by a small girl, who has been carefully conditioned to kick off at anyone who says ‘no’ to her.
“Brussels needs to know that we are serious, and refusing to budge,” commented leading Brexiter Jacob Rees-Mogg. “Naturally one cannot volunteer one’s own daughter, since little Agrippina is a meek and well behaved child. However, it has come to one’s attention that the spawn of the lower orders tend to be as stubborn as fuck.”
The extensive selection process turned up a girl by the name of Molly Coddled. Molly, aged four, demonstrated her ability when her request for another packet of crisps was turned down. A twelve hour meltdown ensued, after which Molly was awarded the contract.
LCD Views was fortunate to be able to talk to Molly. Her mother, glad to be shot of her for a few minutes, took the opportunity to stock up on gin at the nearest off-licence.
Remember that massive meltdown, we asked.
“Yeah,” said Molly. “I was cross. I wasn’t very happy.”
What was it all about?
“Don’t know,” she said. “But I was cross, and it wasn’t fair, and mummy got angry, and that made me more cross.”
How will you deal with Michel Barnier?
“Who’s she?” asked Molly.
No, no, it’s a man.
“It’s a girl’s name,” she declared. “Why does the man have a girl’s name? That’s silly. Silly man.”
What if he offers you something you don’t want?
“I’ll throw it away of course!” said Molly. “Don’t want it. Have you got any crisps?”
No. It’s time to go home with mummy.
“BUT I DON’T WANT TO!!” screamed Molly. “NO! NO! NO! I HATE YOU! I DON’T WANT TO GO HOME WITH MUMMY, I WANT A UNICORN!”
The Incredible Sulk was eventually dragged from the room, kicking and screaming, by her harassed mother. The future of the country is in safe hands.