Breaking news this afternoon that there has finally been a resignation inside 10 Downing Street. But not the one so many millions are crying out for.
“The podium used for important speeches has resigned,” our 10 Downing Street insider whispers down the line, “with immediate effect.”
It’s not entirely clear what the reasons for the lacquered wood walking out of what is a prized job in the furniture world are, but it’s believed work place conditions can only be to blame.
“You imagine its job? Just imagine it,” our insider demands, “you’re rarely seen. You spend most of your time in a cupboard feeling all alone. Much like the prime minister does. But now and then, at times of moment in the nation’s history, the door opens and you’re lifted out.”
But only to find some middle aged kipper playing out their psychodrama on an international stage ranting from behind you?
“Something like that,” the insider says, “the podium has had enough. It’s only on a zero hours contact anyway. It wants to find a place to work where people stand behind it who actually have something to say. Early reports it was heading to the Labour HQ have been denied, as it believes it will just find itself in the same conditions, but with less to do. It’s most likely going to seek work in Brussels.”
And we understand that the podium isn’t the only furniture, fitting or fixture considering its position in light of the endless horror contained within the historic walls?
“The toilet is about fed up too,” our insider replies, “it’s actually saying as soon as I’m done hiding in the WC talking to you that’s it calling Pimlico Plumbers (shameless name drop as thanks for the ‘Bollocks to Brexit’ signage!) and arranging to be rescued. It doesn’t believe it’s the capacity to handle Theresa May locking herself in on top of it for another evening of screaming at the tiles.”