Boffins from the University of somewhere or other have discovered the remarkable creature alive and well in mainland Britain. The creature, if allowed to live, will eventually consume itself in an orgy of contradiction.
This beast has been provisionally named “Cannibalia Brexitus”. It is believed to convince itself over time that its own flesh is the sweetest around. It then corners and traps itself, before consuming itself.
A large colony of Cannibalia Brexitus has been unearthed under our very noses in Westminster. Cunningly disguised as politicians, they were once considered to be merely up their own arses. Right idea, wrong orifice.
It starts as a simple case of putting your foot into your mouth. This often happens by accident, although it can become a habit. Chris Grayling is a case in point. This tendency can easily result in auto-cannibalism.
The transformation into a self-devouring monster can sometimes be delayed by the victim. In this instance, they normally produce humungous amounts of shit, and feed on that instead. This is the case with rentagobshites like Iain Duncan Smith. These intermediate stage creatures are often called bottom feeders.
But the peak of the evolutionary scale – or, more accurately, the trough – is when the creature manages to reach a plateau of isolation and narcissistic self-hatred. Cornered by its malfunctioning protective instincts, it becomes so detached from reality that serving up your own living flesh for dinner becomes not only a possibility, but desirable.
The boffins describe the creature hunting itself, becoming its own prey. They have surmised some kind of out-of-body experience must occur. However, once the transformation has taken place, victims are usually too far gone into their alternative reality to speak to experts.
Theresa May is the most prominent example of this phenomenon. The same scientists believe that she is merely an empty husk, and that she has eaten herself away from within. She is likely to implode completely upon contact with reality.
There is a cure, but it is a desperate remedy, and not always successful. It’s called a general election.