LCD Views can print the made up scoop tonight that the UK’s newest anti-establishment, counter May-Tory culture hero, John ‘the bollocks’ Bercow, is to headline Glastonbury 2019.
It’s believed ‘the bollocks’ is to fill the now traditional political speech slot, after Jeremy Corbyn cancelled.
Conveniently it’s just before The Who come on, so hopefully when Daltrey sings his gammon hymn, ‘My Generation’, his piles will be inflamed by Bercow and cause the song to flop as Daltrey breaks apart mid song to shout “We won, get over it!”.
”Jeremy got word, that thanks to his colleague Theresa May’s, shambolic failure to drive Brexit through by the spring, there’s a strong chance there will be an anti-Brexit protest presence in the audience,” our music festival correspondent reports,
“he suddenly realised he had a diary clash. He’s apparently previously booked to fly as far away as possible on the day, but attend a place with undeniable human suffering, so people have a hard time calling out his cynicism in the press and on social media. Bercow was happy to take the chair on the Pyramid Stage, as parliament will be in recess anyway.”
It’s understood that ‘the bollocks’ will read from his personal copy of Erskine May from the stage, in particular the rules regarding attempting to repeatedly bludgeon MPs into voting for a pile of shite.
”But the showstopper will be when he does his spoken word turn,” our correspondent says, “he’s going to read the full lyrics of the classic Rage Against The Machine song ‘Killing In The Name’ complete with the swearing. It’s going to be amaze balls to the max.”
After the lyrical performance Bercow will be moving his chair to the middle of the crowd and regaling the revellers with his favourite memories of his time as Speaker of the House of Commons.
”If we’re lucky he’ll do a full ten minutes of shouting order too,” our correspondent adds breathlessly, “Corbyn benefitted from the crowd being off its tits on MDMA when he showed up. There’s no reason to believe John ‘the bollocks’ Bercow won’t get a similar high reception.”
Be there or be square.