It’s been a busy weekend for the government whips as they desperately attempt to find the right lever to pull to get obstinate MPs to back the w+anchor’s deal that Theresa May has negotiated with the EU, from the position of her own immovable red lines.
“Not all of them can just be bribed with cash incentives,” our secret whip, Mr Nine Tails, said, “did I say bribe? I meant argued about to our point of view with a coherent series of points underlining the superior nature of our logic and thinking.”
But while some maybe turned with the offer of a peerage or a knighthood, some really do play hard with their balls, really cup and hold onto them tight.
“Holden McCock is a classic case,” Nine Tails revealed, “he is independently wealthy and his constituency heaving with privately held assets, they even fill pot holes still, no matter deep they are, really stuff them, so we had to find a different way to get him to switch his vote. We had to get deep and personal, right inside him with feeling.”
And how did you do it?
“He’s mad as hell over the porn block that’s coming down the line,” Nine Tails revealed, “he doesn’t want to have to input his personal details, prove his age, and then have his identity linked to a page that shows foreign types shoving fruit up their jacksies while singing ‘God Save The Queen’.”
A tough pip to squeeze!
“But we found a way to get the acorn nestling in the weeds to grow into a firm oak.”
Which was?
“We promised him a personal exemption from the new porn block. We spent a lot of time discussing what happened to Damian Green. Tragedy of it all.”
And what about Esther McVey? We don’t think such a principled lady would be won over with that grotty prize.
“No. We just kept saying ‘Sir Esther McVey’ and convinced her that war is peace.”
So there you have it, if May can get her MV3 passed Bercow there maybe more than one MP shuffling over the stiff corridor of power and changing their mind this week.
“You’ve just got to find their lever and hold it firmly and give it a firm pull,” Mr Nine Tails added, with a wink that left us needing a wash.