LCD Views can report live tonight from the same country as the House of Commons that Parliament has just narrowly rejected a motion calling on them to cover the entire U.K. in monkey shit while screaming.
The motion, which if it had passed due to liberal ingestion of political stool softener, would have seen MPs bound to personally procure monkeys, overfeed them, give them laxatives and then put the result into a tank, in a backpack, attached to a hose with a spray nozzle.
”It’s a ghastly missed opportunity,” Tory ERG BORG Foreign Stooge Brexiter and Monkey Scat fancier, A Bridge (MP for Planks) told us, “what am I supposed to do now with all the monkey shit I’ve already accumulated? The BBC only broadcasts the Today programme once a day. It’s not enough for me to get rid of it all off my own bat. I guess I’ll have to start eating it?”
Other MPs, also in favour of covering the entirety of the U.K. in monkey shit while laughing, were not to be defeated though.
”I’m still going to do it. Every face in my constituency will be covered in it by the time I’m finished. Then I’ll put my rosette on and get voted back in. What a laugh being an MP is! No wonder it’s so popular as a hobby.”
However people putting away the wet wipes and disinfectant are warned not to act too swiftly.
”It was a non-binding vote,” our correspondent reminds, “and covering the entirety of the U.K. in monkey shit while screaming is still government policy and actually the law come the end of March. It’ll take more than this vote tonight to stop it happening.”
We can’t advise if it will be stopped from happening. We advise you develop a taste for monkey shit or maybe get out and march on March 23rd when the anti-covering U.K. in monkey shit march marches. It can be stopped, but it will need some rather clueless and terrified MPs to understand there’s no taste for it.