There has been a lot of finger-pointing from all sides in recent political debates, although none quite as jaw-dropping as the allegations made by Michael “Verbal” Gove last night.
In an informal chat with the police after a big vote went down, Gove claimed to know the identity of Keyser Soze.
“The greatest trick the devil pulled was convincing people he didn’t exist,” Gove told senior police official Dave Kujan. “The greatest trick the conservative party pulled was convincing people that what we have done to them was the fault of labour or the EU.”
Apparently it all started a few years ago when he got in a police lineup with David Cameron, Theresa May, Boris Johnson and Ian Duncan Smith.
According to Mr Gove’s account, the five of them were subsequently approached by a shadowy figure called Kobayashi who instructed them to do a job for the mysterious crime lord Keyser Soze, namely isolate the UK and leave it vulnerable to US takeover.
Ian Duncan “Fenster” Smith jumped ship early and was subsequently found washed up in 2015, and is seen now and then propped up in a chair in a radio studio. But the others pursued the plan to the full. It involved a deal involving a huge payment arriving in the back of a van, for a load of Brexit dividends, which were arriving by boat.
Mr Gove reported how May told him to wait on the jetty in case things got ugly, they would need someone to tell the story afterwards. And sure enough, things got ugly. David “Hockney” Cameron found his way to the loot in the van but got shot down before he could help himself to it, while Boris “McManus” Johnson and Theresa “Keaton” May scoured the boat from bow to stern and could find no dividends on board. Johnson wound up with a knife in his back while May was then gunned down, and a shadowy figure then set fire to the boat.
Gove explained all this to Kujan, claiming they were all taken out by the mysterious Keyser Soze. When asked by Kujan why he didn’t help her, why he didn’t shoot Keyser Soze when he saw him standing over May, he replied, “how do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?”
After further interrogation, Gove broke down and finally admitted to Kujan that May was in fact Keyser Soze, but refused to testify against the crime boss in court. Kujan had no option but to let Gove go.
Mr Gove was last seen limping away, although some eyewitnesses have claimed the limp disappeared as he got further away from the police station.